Road to the Future

Who you are

2012-01-22T06:14:00.000-08:00

How much of our lives can we choose... and how much is just who we are?

Who I am? I'm one big long string of questions followed up with pensive thought. My life these days has made my curiosities more interesting however left me no time to really work through any thoughts on anything. And this condition called pregnancy truly does pull not just from your physical body but from your brain functioning. It's very apparent to me it's not a myth. Having a wee bit of recovery time between Kiwi and Figs however, I know for sure my ability to function with a full repertoire of words and the ability to string them in conversation will return.

2011-11-25T07:35:00.000-08:00

I'm the ruler of your world she says without any words. I control your heart and am the soul source of all your worries. I feed you joy and motivate your days. I am your light.

"Love is the one who masters all things;

I am mastered totally by love."

Rumi

Figs

2011-11-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

Figs my love, you're on the same timeline your big sister was. Almost to the day. It allows me to look back at my blog posts from 2009 and compare today with yesterday. Knowing the level of joy you're capable of bringing to us almost makes the waiting harder. I'm impatient with the work my body is going through as you make your way to us. I just want you here safe and sound already.

The end of a work day

2011-10-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite part of my day. After work I make my way across town and practically skip into the daycare center looking for my baby girl. Every day I'm able to spot her through a door window and for a few moments enjoy watching her play. She plays with all her heart. She is focused and determined yet easygoing and happy. That's how the providers will describe her too. But as soon as she sees me her feet start in motion in my direction. There is a wonderful hug and a moment of eye contact that repairs any feelings of tiredness I might have. She always has a few arm and hand gestures for me as she provides me with a few words, I presume about her day. She is becoming an animated talker. I look forward to understanding her words sometime very soon. We then put her jacket on together, I grab her bag and we start our journey to the car for our two minute commute home. She waves good bye to her friends and heads down the hall to the doors where she pushes the automatic door opening buttons. I thank and praise her for her helpfulness. Then I ask her if she can point to her car... which she now can. She roams around and is playful before we finally head home. At which point she completely unravels, needs food, a bath, a song from the backyardigans, a bottle, a cuddle and her bed.

A gift beyond

2011-09-15T05:38:00.000-07:00

Too kind. Have you ever received a gift from someone special that leaves you... lost for words. Our recent holiday to Cape Cod was turned around by Hurricane Irene. Scratching our heads at home we wondered what to do with our precious time together away from work. Then we got a call from friends. Friends who wanted to know we'd done the right thing and turned around and come home. Friends who thought we might like to use their cottage in place of our cancelled trip. Friends who are thoughtful beyond what your heart could imagine.

Rest in Peace Darin

2011-09-09T06:08:00.000-07:00

It comes in waves. Reminders that life is short. Reminders to love now not tomorrow. To cherish. Or maybe it’s that life is soo good right now that I wonder how it can possibly hold together. I fight my fears with the belief that most of us live into our eighties and beyond. More importantly I fight my fears by living well. To my best. I live gently. I’m easy with myself. It’s a learned way. A purposeful effort and it helps. I cherish the good times, work hard when it’s time to work, and let go what can be let go. It’s a practise. A discipline. One that renews every morning, forgiving yesterday and focusing on today. It allows me to ride the waves, when they come, that remind me that life is short.

You were a good good man Darin. I knew that for sure.

The moments you remember... forever!

2011-08-16T06:22:00.000-07:00

We're heading to Cape Cod for vacation this year. Jay and I are tense as we try to get our desk clear for a two week period away. It's going be heavenly. Two whole weeks of family time. The coveted family time. I remember driving the east coast line through the upper states when I was a teen. I'd been invited to join a family trip of a dear friend of mine. It holds some of my favourite memories. It was exciting to join another family on their trip. I knew I was lucky to be going with them. We bought our first snowboards together on that trip. Well... they bought it for me and I got my first job when I got home in order to pay for it. The Burton Cruize! Love love love... That's another blog entry unto itself. But the trip was full of moments like that. And this... The mom was watching out the window and taking in the beauty of the river along the drive. "Go back Don... Go back" she said. Down to the river edge we went in our bathing suits... into the fridgid cold water and then... we floated. We floated for what seemed like forever. Down the river. Round the bend and on. Bob bob bobalong the river we went on our backs. Our eyes squinting from the sun above and our ears listening to the water flow beneath. Memories. What wonderful memories. And the learning that comes from moments like this. I sit healthy in my beige cubicle because of moments like this.

The past present and future

2011-08-11T06:27:00.000-07:00

Blogs are interesting aren't they. You share. You share this about that and as you do you think about not only who is reading but when might they read it. I suspect I might read some of these entrees years from now. I suspect my daughter might. I wish my grandfather had left a blog. I've never met him but for some reason feel a connection to him. I've seen a little cabin on a lake he used to escape to and go fishing. I've seen the blue spruce he planted in front of what was a new home to him and his family... and yesterday at lunch I walked to and stood in front of the home he lived in before that new home was built. I stood and looked. I looked at the brick and the stone base and big beautiful old tree in the front yard. I stood on the front step and looked out onto the street. I walked to the street corner and imagined my mom as a little girl looking across the street she wasn't aloud to cross alone. I can't quit express what was going on... I just took it in. Simply took it in and tried to imagine. I think my great grandparents had been with them for a short time in that house too. I have a concept of them also. I wish I could know them more. I've driven slowly by their old home in old Ottawa. I was driving in the procession of cars on our way to burry their youngest daughter. She was the last of that family to leave us. The closing of an era. I treasure the past. I've always been one to do that. I absorb it and keep it with me. I go to these places and of course they're not there. But in way... they are... or are they just with me... I took a second pause when I first considered buying the home I'm in now... because there was a blue spruce on the front lawn.

The things you can't capture

2011-08-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

I capture so many of your little moments, my love. I click and record and post and paste and print and hang. You fill me up with a level of joy I've never felt before. But this morning you out did yourself and as you did I realised there was no way to capture it or the sheer delight I felt from watching you. Your Dada and I had made our way halfway up the basement stairs after a leisurely Saturday morning of play in your playroom. We'd stopped halfway because we know how much you enjoy hanging upside down while seeing yourself in the big mirror that is there. Just when I was sure you were going to make yourself sick with dizziness you toddled up the remaining step to the landing to the front hall. With Dada and I perched on the top step discussing our pending family vacation you toddled over and stood before us. Da! you said with outstretched hands in the form of a question. Yes my love? I asked with a smile. Da! you said and with that you crouch down very slowly and gently leaned your forehead towards my mouth stealing a kiss. You stood with satisfaction and looked at your Dada... and did the same to him. Again, back and forth you collected kiss after kiss. And... I love you so. I just couldn't love you more.

Hands Mine and Yours

2011-07-29T05:32:00.000-07:00

Did you ever look at your grandmothers hands? I mean really look at them and take them in. Did you touch the tops of them and run your finger over all the little scars from years in the kitchen, and the rough spots from gardening and cleaning, and the dark spots from years in the sun? The weather of life lived and loved. Do you remember that moment, way back when, she touched the top of your hand and had a good look at it, remembering when her own looked so supple, so white so new. I remember that moment. For some reason it sunk into me and stuck with me and comes back from time to time. I noticed today, my hands, they're almost halfway there. Halfway through life and showing some of those little scars and rough spots and dark spots. I love them. I love them because they make me feel close to my grandmother. They remind me of her. They bring forward in me my love of life and how beautiful living is. The new little hands in my life make me brim with love and joy. Love for my grandmother and love for my mother and myself and my daughter. Take a look at your hands. I bet you'll see more then your own life in them.

Summer is coming!

2011-04-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

I can't wait my love, because summer is coming, and you'll get to feel the world around you more then you can do right now. You'll get to run in the grass and the sand and sprinkler and the beach and the splash pad. You'll get to feel the warmth of the sun and really love it for all it's glory. You'll get to meet a clown I'm sure and get to hold your first balloon and get to taste your first taste of your mothers favourite taste... cotton candy. Summer is coming, summer is coming. It's leaving our friends in Australia and coming to us.

My little love, how happy you are and smarter you are getting. You clap with joy and squeal with delight and splash with enthusiasm and explore with determination. You teach me so much, every single day I learn. I wonder and wonder what I ever did before there was you. I really really wonder.

It's a new day!

2011-04-12T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to look on the bright side. Toria is starting to nap more regularly, longer, and better yet is doing so in her crib. My wonderful husband (the one who makes my world go around as it should) takes Toria in the morning while I sleep in. He feeds her breakfast, plays with her and even dresses her sometimes. He then places her in bed beside me before leaving for work at 8. Toria feeds and falls asleep. Often we'll wake together around 10. But... sometimes I wake before her and head downstairs to have breakfast and catch up on world events and facebook updates. It's me time and I love it. It lasts until she wakes, realises I've left her and cries for my return, at which point I'm so excited to see her again since I haven't really seen her since bedtime. From there we start our day. I've known this beautiful routine would be coming to an end as I watch her get closer and closer to independent mobility.

Today is a new day... because today when I responded to her cry I found her on the floor. With my heart in my throat I picked her up for our morning cuddle. I watched closely for any signs of a bump or worse. She didn't keep me in suspense... she smiled and cooed and reached around the air as if to tell me she was a.o.k. and ready for our day. Tomorrows routine... will be slightly different.

Hats!

2011-02-16T13:50:00.000-08:00

OK mommy! I'll play the hat game with you! How do you play?

Really? But I can't see!

Which means I might fall over!

Good thing for you I'm a good sport!

Off mommy!

Oh... I see. You put them on...

and I take them off!

Off

tricky

off

Off

I'm not sure I like this game any more

You're not listening to me!

What hat?

You mean you got another one on me when I wasn't looking?

Off mommy! Off!

Some odds and ends

2011-02-14T15:16:00.000-08:00

Toria waiting at the Victoria BC airport for her dad to arrive after being without him for three weeks.

I don't think we own a baby had without some kind of pom poms or ears on it.

Toria drenched in sunbeams while on a dog walk through the woods.

I'm not sure what this was about... but it was sure cute.

Her first introduction to the Pacific ocean.

Her first word... Dada. Said often when he' around.

Christmas morning with her new teddy bear in his bunny ear hoody.

Her first taste of food. It's not a silver spoon... it will have to do.

Yummy dragon fly

A little cross country skiing for mommy's soul!

2011-02-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

Here is Toria and Ivy in the Chariot at the start of our first ski. It was a beautiful day and nap time was fast approaching.

Here is Nicole with Christopher in the single Chariot. Nicole inspired me to get a move on and find a Chariot. It might have been a plan that fell by the wayside otherwise.

Quickly into our trip, in the fresh air and with full bellies, the girls fell fast asleep into their afternoon nap.

When it was all done we had happy refreshed mommies and happy refreshed babies.

Remembrance Day

2010-11-11T15:16:00.000-08:00

My heartfelt thank you to the businesses downtown... they wouldn't take dad's money at the coffee shop when he went looking for one to warm his hands after the service. The parking lady wouldn't take my money when she saw him sitting beside me. The World Exchange Plaza had a lovely table out with coffee and treats and a big sign saying "Welcome Veterans". And the crowds were bigger then ever this year with tearful people cheering them as they marched out after the service. My love and prayers go out to the families who have lost so much.

We will remember them... we will remember them.

Two of my favorite people! My loving and supportive parents.

I was thrilled when I learned my parents would be here for Remembrance Day and that dad would be marching. I've headed downtown for the ceremony, by myself, for over ten years now. Having family with me made it much nicer.

Gosh it was bright out! It was almost painful to keep my eyes open while mom figured out the camera.

I love you dad!

I'm a jumping flower!

2010-11-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

This is Diane and Ivy from babyclub.
Ivy was a flower for Halloween and was kind enough to let Toria try on her petals.

Snow - Makes me think of cottaging?

2010-11-02T08:05:00.000-07:00

With our first snow fall of the year arriving in October, I found myself thinking of our summer getaway. Jason works hard through the summer months and finds it difficult to find time away from the office. So once those grant applications are in... I pack him up and head out for some R & R. In the past we've packed ourselves into a canoe and headed into the back country. With Toria's arrival in May we needed to change things up a little. I put out some feelers on facebook and found a cottage. We've always wanted a cottage property to retreat to and hope to have one someday. Our former neighbours were kind and trusting enough to allow us to rent theirs. And so... with snow on the ground I'd like to take myself back to a stiflingly hot week on a beach cottage property on Lac Ste-Marie.

No one loves you more

2010-11-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

Grandma MacLaurin

Grandpa MacLaurin

Grandma Phillips

Mom

Grandpa Phillips

Dad

Grandpa Phillips

Hat and mits

2010-10-31T10:01:00.000-07:00

Daddy shoveled snow last night! We knew it was coming sometime soon. The temperature told us so.

Mom took me for a walk the other day and I got to wear mittens for the first time. They're very soft inside but I can't crab things with them on.

So I just settled in and enjoyed the trees and the fresh air.

I'm a strawberry!

2010-10-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

My sweet love, it's your first Halloween. Mommy looked high and low for Kiwi costume but we had to settle another fruit. I think it suits you well. We have three parties for you to dress up for. One was at the library, one will be with babyclub on Wednesday and one will be tomorrow on Halloween proper in the church nursery.

We made an early trick or treat visit to Grandma and Grandpa MacLaurin's. They were tickled with your costume. Just like your father they thought a ladybug had walked through their front door until you told them you were a strawberry.

Here you are at the library with some friends.

My sweet love, you couldn't have made for a better strawberry if you'd tried.

Dream of Sing Song

2010-10-26T03:39:00.000-07:00

It seems so unfair that her sleeping would wake me. How is this possible? She was swaddled in a soft baby blue blanket that had been my brothers when he was her age. She was brought to me for a feeding at 10. She did not stir at midnight, at three or at five. At six I went to her after listening for her for at least an hour and having sent her father to ensure she was breathing. She fed without waking and slept on between us while I watched. I've known this could happen. My babyclub babies have been doing this for their mothers. I've wondered if she would ever find her way to a good nights sleep.

Sleep on my sweet love... dream of sing song.

Hiking in the Gatineau

2010-10-11T08:57:00.000-07:00

It's FALL! In Ottawa that makes for one heck of a beautiful scene in Gatineau park. With our babies finally able to hold their heads up comfortably we were excited to bundle them up and get them out. They loved it! and so did their moms.

The overcast day was fine by us. We were giddy in the parking lot as we packed them into their matching carriers. Nicole had hers from when her daughter was young. Mine was returned to me from a good friend whom I'd given it to at a baby shower over ten years ago. Glad to have the favor returned. Normally Toria will sleep on our walks. Lately she has started to keep her eyes open and seems to be taking it all in. She gazes way up to the tree tops and down to the sounds of my feet on the path.

What fun that my good friend Nicole and I coincidentally found ourselves pregnant two weeks apart from each other. The outdoors are very important to both of us. We had done some camping and travel together in our teens but lost touch. Last year we ran into each other in the heart of Algonquin park, about two days into the back woods. We were both canoe camping with our husbands and our dogs. It's a small world until you get way back into the woods. Usually that will make the world seem vast again. But of course... there is something greater then little old "us" at play isn't there?

Orangina and my computer

2010-10-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

The other night I was rocking Toria in the glider and getting ready to place her in her crib when I heard my husband curse... again and after a few moments... again. He doesn't often do this. Something must have gone wrong downstairs... but what? I stayed put for a little while longer and then heard an odd sound. It sounded like a fire extinguisher and so I pictured my kitchen on fire... perhaps contained in the oven? But of course he'd have called to have us out of the house so it couldn't be. What could it be? When I finally made it downstairs I found him holding the laptop and spraying it with a bottle of air cleaner. He lifted a hand that warned me he couldn't talk and likely couldn't bear to be spoken to either. Poor guy. So... the laptop now sits on the dining room table. It doesn't start. I know he backs it up occasionally... so I'm not to worried about content. Even if he didn't I'm not to worried. All our photos since Toria's arrival are still on the camera.

I have this old clunker of a laptop... the only thing I'm missing is the ability to put photos up easily. Skype is a little slow and fuzzy but really... I'm fine. Sniff sniff.

TV Debut and thoughts about Babyclub.

2010-10-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

What fun! Nicole, Jodie and I had tickets to the baby show this morning on A channel. Nicole picked Toria and I up at 6am and we met Jodie there. We were all pretty excited at the prospect of winning a fabulous prize or just having our precious dolls... I mean babies on television. Jodie, our ever planner, thought to bring a camera. I wish I'd managed to keep my eyes open for it... but it's a good picture none the less.

My babyclub women are becoming more and more important to me. We see each other weekly and are sharing a rather intimate experience together as we discuss our lives as new mothers. I've heard it said that people tend to finally show you who they really are about two months into a relationship... let their guard down so to speak. Babyclub has been going for a little over four months now and I'd have to say... it's a beautiful thing. Five women, now six, all sleep deprived, bonding over a shared experience. What's even more beautiful, is that we're not six, we're 12. And while my babyclub women are becoming more and more important to me, so are their babies. A little motherese, a gentle rub of the back, sometimes a little cuddle time... and to see Toria affecting them the same way... as I said earlier, it's a beautiful thing.

We had a fun morning together on the set followed by breakfast at Dunns. I won a diaper/rubber ducky gift basket and Nicole won a gift certificate to a toy store. Jodie's little man Hayden got a prime spot in the show as the host used him to demo a Hooter Hider (as we call them in babyclub). I'm thankful Jodie heard about the show and we managed to get seats. But more then that... I'm just thankful.

First Swim

2010-09-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

We were glad to learn we could drive and park our stroller right beside the pool. That made for fewer steps on the slippery deck.

Mom forgot the camera so she handed Grandma Judy her new cell phone and hoped for the best with the pictures. We're both pretty happy with the quality.

This is us with our instructor. Mom says he has a great job because he gets to play with all the babies.

I really enjoyed the water. It was nice and warm.

When we arrive for class mom recognised Tracy and Holly from church. I was pretty happy to find a church pal in my swim class. Holly is two months older then I am.

Mom was very cuddly all class. I think she was nervous for me or something.

Our instructor wanted us to get used to floating in a life jacket. I let mom put it on me but...

I asked her take it off me pretty quick.

Holly seemed to do a better job with the life jacket.

We all walked over to the whale pool but when we got there we found it was really cold. So we quickly got back in the other one.

This is Holly and her mom Tracy.

After class mom wrapped me up pretty quick. She didn't want me to catch a cold.

This is my Grandma Judy who was nice enough to come to my first class to help mom get acquainted with the pool routine and take some pictures of my first time swimming. Thanks Grandma.

After finally getting these photos off the camera my mom is planning to get a new bathing suit. She made some funny sounds when she realised how poorly her bathing suit covered her... well her... chest. She and daddy were laughing while she tried to pick pictures she could post here without the post being x-rated.

Babyclub Wed 22sep10

2010-09-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

Toria seemed like she needed a nap... but when she got to Hayden's crib she seemed to find her second wind... so we decided it was time for the group shot.

Nicole adds Christopher

Diane adds Ivy

Paula adds Max

Et Voila!

Six little kittens... I mean babies.

Here's Cameron and Hayden

Heyden and Toria

Toria and Christopher

Christopher and Ivy

Ivy and Max

Earlier on I snapped a few photos... Toria when she was looking like it was nap time.

Max might just be our first walker

Our oldest two

Ivy and Diane

and our newest member.

Pink pink pink

2010-09-19T19:27:00.000-07:00

Happy

four

months

Hoarding

2010-09-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

Who knew? I didn't. Had no idea until I watched, in horror, a TV show about the disease. It's good to know these things, I thought to myself as I took a mental note of all the clutter in my house. Perhaps I do have a tendency towards "keeping for future use", rather then parting with what I likely won't use for a year or two. It's a tricky line really. Although my husband seems to know exactly where the line is and what should be turfed from behind it. I need to de-clutter. Now that I've decided this... let's see how and when this will play out. I'll likely never be a minimalist... but for Jay's mental health (and mine of course) perhaps I could work harder at being organised and clutter free.

I cried today

2010-09-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

I don't cry often. Almost never really. But today... I cried. I started following blogs long before I started writing this one. I follow about ten regularly. They're each very different from each other. I learn from each of them. But the first one I started following is the one I look forward to most. It's written by a lady in Brooklyn. She's a teacher and has a young baby girl. She's able to string her words together so beautifully. She doesn't write as often as she used to. I imagine the challenges of working and raising a baby have shifted her time. Today she made me cry... or rather, today I cried for her. She wrote her blog entry titled "And with the water, my heart" followed by "To loose." I am thankful everyday that Toria made it to us safely and continues to grow and fill our hearts beyond what we thought they were capable. Today I cried for her after reading her words and I prayed for her and for the healing to come.

http://nicolehefner.blogspot.com/

Babyclub

2010-09-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

Every Wednesday we meet with 5 or 6 other moms and their babies. This past Wednesday we hosted the party. Toria was very patient while I made soup for our guests. She sat in her chair and gummed away on an iced teether shaped like a butterfly.

We like to keep each other in view.

We made sweet potato and pear curry soup.

I had to take a picture of this and share. This is how tired I am. I went to splash the pot with EVOO and splashed it with balsamic vinegar. Sooo tired! Glad that was the first step in the soup and easily fixed rather then a last ingredient.

The soup needed 30 minutes and Toria decided to wait in her swing and take a cat nap. If only I could sleep when she does this. I think I'm actually too tired to sleep if that's possible!?

Time seems to pass so slowly when you're looking forward to something.

While I pureed the soup Toria waited. As usual she had her guardian at her feet. But then...

They arrived! You can't see Diane beside me...

but here is her sweet daughter Ivy.

Can you spot the babies from the toys?... I see Hayden and Christopher too.

I like my guests to feel relaxed. I seem to have achieved this with Christopher. Later that night after everyone had gone home...

Toria told her dad all about our day.

Scheduling

2010-09-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be nice to have an open schedule. Everyday and all day is your own to do with whatever you like. Just imagine... I don't seem to be able to. I've always gravitated towards a busy schedule and without giving it any thought have booked Toria and I into a full schedule until spring. Swimming, music and fitness classes abound, not to mention weekly babyclub social gatherings. That leaves the rest of my time for laundry, groceries, cooking, dog walking, garage saling, church and blogging. Thank goodness for the biweekly cleaning help! No wonder I feel busy. Then there's all those one offs like the baby show today or the overhaul the garage is asking for.
All in all I think it's important to stay busy and socialize while you're at it while keeping a little room in the schedule to sit still and ponder. If you can manage this and still get to bed on time... you've found success. Well done.

Miss Toria in Pain

2010-09-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

Could it be? Could your teeth be coming in so early? This photo makes your current state look like a walk in the park. To make things worse you're scheduled for your second round of vaccinations this Thursday. I know it's temporary... I KNOW it's temporary... but it's hard. I'm likely just hyper-empathetic but I actually think I feel your pain. We glide, and glide and glide... with you in my arms I hold my head turned down to meet your sweet eyes as they look up at me with bewilderment. Kiwee... I say... you're ok love. Like all your pain in life, it's temporary. Using your prenatal name seems more soothing to me. I hope you feel better soon. Try to take yourself back to your recent vacation spot...

A new dress!

2010-08-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the generous nature of my friends and family Toria gets to wear a "new" dress often. This one is a particular favourite because the onsie is attached to the dress. I think she feels more comfortable with a onsie covering her up. I'm just guessing...

This is a pose she seems to strike often. It's as if she sees the camera and goes to work.

She's growing. So fast! I can't believe how quickly she's moving into the clothes I set aside, just weeks ago, as "too big". I've organised her closet from left to right, small to large clothes. She's moving her way across way to quickly for my liking.

It's almost time to move her into her nursery. Right now her crib is beside my bed. I'm not... I mean... she's not quite ready yet. Why rush these things.

We miss my parents. The other day we skyped with them for over an hour. I moved the laptop around so they could join me while I rocked Toria before bed. I then plopped them in the crib and tilted the camera up so they could see her pretty new mobile. I then tilted the camera down so they could watch her as she drifted off to sleep. I then took them with me into the nursery to show them the little stuff that's changed since they were here. It was nice. Course I realised later I hadn't really given them a choice... I just carried them around with me as I went about my evening. I love skype in combination with my laptop. I'll be more pleased when they make their way back here in October.

Your world or mine?

2010-08-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

Something changes when you become a parent. Well lets face it, everything changes but what I mean is, something changed in me tonight as I cradled a tired little Toria in my arms before setting her gently in her crib. I felt as if I owned the world or rather I suddenly felt weighed down with responsibility for the state of the world. My sense of self shifted from living within this world of ours to building this world of ours. I'm no longer looking out for and dodging landmines I'm now challenged with finding and removing them. Knowing this is an impossible task, I feel a bit at a loss... like I've let her down already. I felt the same way last night when I caught the BBC world news. This is the down side to what I was feeling in my post from Oct 12 '09 "Expecting the much anticipated expected". Back then I wrote "I love, day to day, differently then I did. Just a subtle and slight difference. Just a little more fully. I love just a little more fully." I guess what I'm trying to explain (on a lot less sleep)... I love, day to day, differently then I did. It's so much more full which in turn makes it worrisome.

2010-08-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

My sweet Toria, you're growing so fast. Today you're two months, two weeks and 1 day old. You're doing more and more every day. You're now able to grab things and coo at me. You're such a good baby. Yesterday you spent your first day at Lac Philippe beach. We had a nap together under the big white pines. You smiled with delight while you slept. There are no words to really explain how much you mean to your father and I.

Laura's flower

2010-07-24T17:41:00.001-07:00

She was loved so and she so loved. It's hard to say goodbye. I used to visit her every Wednesday. I wish I'd kept up with my visits. I wish I wish I wish. I remember staying with her when I was young... I must have been nine? She offered me coffee with breakfast. I smiled at her figuring she was joking. She wasn't. She treated me like an adult. I liked that about her. She made you feel special and with that I now realise how special she was. I remember playing with a doll she kept in a hat box in the cupboard of her guest room. Many of us have played with that doll over the years. I've continued the tradition and found an identical box for my guest room cupboard. Mom dug out a smocked baby dress from the cedar chest while she was here. I wonder if it came from her. As I learnt today at her funeral it might well have. It's hard to say goodbye to someone who loved you so and whom you so loved.

Such good friends

2010-07-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

This arrived in the mail a few days ago. It's a fabulous stool. The letters fit in like a puzzle. It arrived without any indication of who had been so kind. I had a hunch is was the Stanfords. How did I get so lucky to find such good friends?

Babyclub!

2010-07-22T14:04:00.001-07:00

On Wednesdays my babyclub gathers to relax and chat about whatever we feel like chatting about. As new moms... we tend to talk about all the stuff that goes along with having and raising babies. It's a time I look forward to every week. Yesterday we took a second photo of all the babes together. Toria was the first to strike a pose. Soon the rest followed.

To her left is Hayden and to her right is Ivy. As you can see she quite likes her little friends... either that or she's practicing her rock star poses.

Here they all are. Max (born the same day as Toria but a week late as to her three weeks early), Christopher (who arrived most recently... two weeks and two days old), Ivy (her only girlfriend in the group), Toria herself, and Hayden (nicely filling out the suit he came home from the hospital in). The group formed when my good friend Nicole and I found we were due two weeks apart. We took prenatal yoga together and ran into Diane, Nicole's neighbour, discovering she was due the week in between us. All winter they hadn't noticed each other was pregnant due to winter coats. I then invited Jodi to join us after meeting her in GD and prenatal class. And... the group was formed... since then Jodi has invited three of her friends... making us a group of seven. We're still waiting for our seventh baby.

Two months old! Birthday spent at the beach.

2010-07-20T08:28:00.000-07:00

My sweet love is two months old, has started smiling for us and is growing leaps and bounds. For her first trip to the beach I needed a few comfort items. I was feeling a little nervous about bringing such a young baby to a beach so far from the comforts of home. I found this SPF 50 sun suit, a heavy duty sport sun umbrella and a bug bouncette. Apart from the bouncette my trepidation allowed me to throw my budget sense out the window. We took turns enjoying the water. Max had been introduced to the beach and waves at Christmas time in Florida... so this was old hat for him and he loved it. But I learnt a lesson I'd rather not have had to. It is important to walk your dog off the beach and out of the water for as long as it takes for him to poop BEFORE you take him in the water... cause he WILL embarrass you by squatting and pooping right there in the water. : S

Here is the bug tent for Toria. It gave me peace of mind. She slept alot of the day, probably thanks to the fresh air, and it was great knowing she was cool and safe from any bugs. I love this chair. It's made by Eddie Bauer. It's the only one of its kind on the marker that I've seen so I don't know why Babies R Us have discontinued it. However... I'm not complaining because it allowed me to practically steal it from them for $35 down from $100.

She seems to love it.

Here is the super strong sport umbrella. It also made all the difference for our comfort level. The $80 price tag was silly but I know I'll get a lot of use out of it.

Max enjoying play time on the beach while mom, dad and Toria hang out in the shade.

Love love love... and thanks Kerri for the lovely sun hat.

Toria's favorite spot for a nap. We won't tell her but it's mine too. I try not to indulge it too often so she'll keep her good sleep habits. But there's nothing like a sleeping baby nuzzled into you.

Heaven

After being big and pregnant all winter this felt as it literally was... a breath of fresh air.

Dinner time back at the site.

Yes you are seeing two steaks per person. It was a long beautiful day... why not?

This is a big change from our usual trek to the woods. Normally the car would be a good 16km away for the first nights dinner and who knows how far after that. I know people who have continued back country camping with their new babies... and perhaps if I have future children I too will be so brave. For now, on her first camping trip, I'm much happier with the ability to bring whatever I want and have it at a hands length from me at any point. As it was I felt full from such a lovely day and opted to pack it in and come home.

A beautiful day at a beautiful cottage

2010-07-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

We're in the middle of a heat wave in Ottawa. It sometimes feels like 44C. Not pleasant. No Pleasant unless you're invited to a cottage with a beautiful breeze and a lake to jump into. My good friend Laura turned 37 and invited three of her friends and their families to join her at the lake. My how time flies. Each of these ladies has two children. They range in age from 2 1/2 to 7. They were fun to watch and all got along so well. It filled my heart with excited anticipation for Toria's years to come.

Glen stoked up the smoker and served up pull pork sandwiches. They were sooo good. He's certainly mastered this hobby of his and we thank him for it.

While everyone hung out in the lake or on the dock, I fed Toria up on the deck. While she nuzzled into me we watched a momma bird feeding her young who were tucked into this styling bird house.

Toria had a beautiful cottage room to nap in. I lay here with her for a bit and we stared up through the sky lights. We gazed through to a beautiful blue sky framed by the branches and green leaves of the threes around the cottage. We could have stayed here for ever. One day...

Hush little baby

2010-07-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

We have a 6 foot folding table in the great room. It's Torias table. Under it is her car seat, a big basket of blankets, a stash of diapers and wipes and a diaper bag. On it is a change/sleeping pad, a small basket with diaper change supplies, another basket with onsies for day and sleepers for night, toys, kleenex and nursing pads. It adds a little chaos to the room... well... it along with the other new changes adds a little more then a little chaos to the room. But we wouldn't have it any other way. We're so excited she's here and thriving.

Our set up allows us to keep an eye on her while she naps. Going... going...

Going... going...

Gone. Sweet dreams my love. Lately known as puddles.

Canada Day!

2010-07-08T07:08:00.000-07:00

We strayed from our usual plans and stayed home away from the crowds. It was a beautiful day that threatened to cloud over but didn't. We had one of our favourite families over for dinner followed by fireworks in the park.

My favourite thing about Canada Day this year was two fold... my parents were in town to share it with and my father hung our flag using a hockey stick. How appropriate!

Thoughts on parenting

2010-06-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

I love that my husband noticed this posted in the basement of our church. As new parents we want so strongly to do everything we can to help Toria live her best life. I think if we use as many of these as often as we can... we just might find ourselves on track.

Time to have a baby!

2010-06-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

The last picture of me before life changed... for the better of course. Tuesday May 18th was a difficult day for me. I was at work and unusually tired. Really very very tired. I managed the day but not very productively. I went straight to bed when I got home and think I was asleep before I hit the pillow. An hour later I woke to my water breaking. I was at a loss. In a sleepy daze I called Jay to see how far from home he was. I then called the hospital and had to admit to not remembering a single tidbit of information learnt in the prenatal class the previous Saturday. Not a single thing. They advised I make my own way in and have Jay meet me there. With the help of Glen, still in OPP uniform I was at the hospital in comfortable time.

Kiwee was still breach and in fact had broken the water with her foot. She had a little note attached to her big toe. It said "Prep the O.R. it's time." At 8:49 we met our Toria Day MacLaurin. She was 6lbs 1oz and as sweet as sweet could be. She quieted to our voices telling her she was ok. After 4 nights in hospital we came home and got settled. We've felt great since and have made it out of the house every day. She gained weight and at 5 weeks weighed 7lbs 14.5oz.

Love love love love love!

Here she is!

2010-01-26T10:10:00.000-08:00

With a hand in her mouth she flutters around looking as cute as can be.

Swoony

2009-12-17T10:49:00.001-08:00

Swoony: A partial or total loss of consciousness. A state of bewilderment or Ecstasy.

Rapture: An expression or manifestation of ecstasy or passion. A state or experience of being carried away by overwhelming emotion. A mystical experience in which the spirit is exalted to a knowledge of divine things.

When enquiring with a dear friend if she had book three and four for lending she replied... "welcome to the cougar club." ... Thanks I said.

Getting there!

2009-12-17T08:44:00.000-08:00

You're making your way to us and it appears you're doing just fine. You have a hand tucked behind your head demonstrating how easy it's been so far. Keep up the good work but know you have a long way to come baby! We've got our fingers crossed and are saying our prayers.

Autumn 2009

2009-12-11T11:14:00.000-08:00

Here we are with young Max who is now two years old. He's a busy little guy who can't get enough of exploring the outdoors. Even for a split second to pose for a picture his attention is drawn to where he plans to go next.

Out of the past

2009-12-07T11:13:00.000-08:00

Out of nowhere a good friend of mine sent a photo to Kerri and I. She'd taken it sometime ago but not developed it until now. I'm glad she did. I love this photo. Not just cause we look skinny and good but because it reminds me of younger happy days. This is Kerri and I when we were young and single. With her third child due in January and my first 13 weeks along... life is so different now. Not in a bad way, just... in a different way.

My exciting purchase

2009-11-09T15:19:00.000-08:00

Each Saturday this summer I headed out with friends searching for great deals. We'd spend a few hours in the morning driving and searching through yard sales in our neighbourhood. I hadn't expected to run into the perfect solution for the indented wall off the kitchen. But there it was. And it was ten bucks!

It's added that little extra bit of space to the kitchen. It's ideal and looks great. Did I mention I paid $10 bucks for it!

My loving parents

2009-11-08T19:42:00.000-08:00

Lots of people live far from their loved ones. It's not easy. Especially when they have a hard year. You want to be there for them and look after them. Work, life and eight or so hours of travel keep you away except for maybe twice a year, sometimes only once.

I wish I was there mom. If only in time to help you back into your skates. I wish I was there. Good choice in colour by the way. : ) I love you!

And there you are

2009-11-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

I woke that morning, from the wrong side of the bed. I wondered to myself several times why I was feeling the way I was. Twice I stopped, took a breath and intentionally changed my thought pattern to try and improve how I was feeling. It wasn't until 9:05 that I realised it was a mild case of unconscious anxiety I'd come down with that morning. 9:05 was the moment my condition lifted. It was the moment I heard what I didn't even realise I feared not hearing... your heart beat.

Expecting the much anticipated expected

2009-10-12T06:02:00.000-07:00

You're no longer just a thought, a wish, a hope for. Unyet you're not exactly a tangible yet either. You're in between, making your way to us. It's been two weeks that we've known of you Kiwee. Known of you, talked about you, thought about you, giggled about you, prayed for you. You've put an extra step in our walk and we thank you for it.

My heartbeat has quickened and my body is working hard to produce the extra blood to catch up with it. I feel heavier even though you alone have added no weight. I've slowed to a walk but am more diligent on getting it in. I love, day to day, differently then I did. Just a subtle and slight difference. Just a little more fully. I love just a little more fully.

An update blog

2009-08-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

He did it! At the old house I had stored the canoe hanging from the ceiling of the garage. Today Jay rigged our new house for the same and voila... room to move around in the garage. Thanks Jay.

Now for my part. This Saturday I'll be having a garage sale to get rid of a bunch of stuff we no longer use. I had promised him I'd do this within a few weeks of moving in. It's been just shy of three months so it's certainly time. If anyone has anything they want to sell... come on over.

It was a lovely long weekend Monday. While he hung the boat I planted myself on the front lawn and pulled weeds. It's a tedious job and my right hand has the cramps to prove it. But I wouldn't reverse the ban on lawn care chemicals for anything. I'd rather spend the time pulling those weeds then have the carcinogen related death toll continue off the radar. It sounds noble but I have to admit I was a little disappointed when Jay checked and found, no, we could not cross over into Quebec and buy some. But then I came to my senses. They're banned for a reason and I support the decision... even if my hand hurts! A lot!

An update blog

2009-08-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

We had a lovely morning. It's always a lovely morning when we're out for breakfast. Even better if we score the company of people we like to see. Jay did some multitasking and got in a work out while waiting for the order to come. We then headed to Home Depot and on to IKEA to scout out ideas for the addition to the kitchen. I know what you're thinking... they just bought a new house with a beautiful new kitchen. Just wait and see what we're planning. It should be wonderful if we can pull it together. The dollars that is!

Yesterday makes two successful Saturday's in a row... at yard sale'ing. A hobby that came about last summer when I joined Angela and Kristi on their early morning runs through the neighbourhood. It's kinda fun. Last sat I found two solid wood, round end tables which I'm hoping will be beautiful as night side tables once they're lacquered in antique white. For $8 I was kinda tickled. Yesterday I found four loungers for the front porch. I'd been looking at benches but for $10 for all four chairs, I feel very comfortably held over until I find them.

The morning was wrapped up by 11 and we headed out to see if we could find our neighbours at the Glengarry Highland games. We didn't, but we sure had a beautiful day trying. We stuck to our usual routine. Opening Mass bands and noon followed by grade 2 and grade 1 bands and then off for some more mass bands in the closing ceremony. Very tame.

Happy long weekend! Here's hoping our friends are having a fantastic time at Ol'Forge in NY.

A writer's blog

2009-07-09T06:41:00.000-07:00

And then, I had a delightful thought. I acted on it. I popped the blueberry into the hole of the raspberry. I took in the wonder of the colours for just a moment before eating. I think of all those many years ago when I was maybe six and I had done the same thing. I was out under the sun with my bare feet on soft green grass. Open air. I had been told I'd made a mess with the berries, and a cloth was gently, lovingly run over my face. Today I steal this moment between pressing tasks, with my feet in pretty sandals under my desk. I can recall the moment, so many years ago. I can bring it to me. Right here in my tiny, four, clothed beige walls. The taste alone didn't do it. Not until one berry was placed inside the other. It all came back.

The spending challenge... no spending

2008-12-27T20:12:00.000-08:00

I came across this story, just before shutting my laptop down and getting on with my day. For some reason I kept recalling it and mulling it over. Could I contain myself for a whole year and spend only what is necessary on food and basics?

http://www.cbc.ca/video/popup_nlp.html?http://www.cbc.ca/mrl3/8752/news/features/dunn-nospend-081226.wmv

Could I? I'm certainly intrigued as I consider it. It raises a tricky question for me. What does money and spending mean to me? As I contemplate the answer I then wonder... have I really fallen into the cliche where I've somehow tied money to feelings of self worth? I've used a mantra for a while now relating to money and not spending what I don't have. Since starting with it I have a new washer and dryer, a new house and just last week a new snow blower. This week... a new crock pot. The more I think about it the less I feel intrigued and instead feel fearfully compelled to take this challenge on. I have nothing to lose and lot to gain by such an adventure. (this is me talking myself into it)

But am I up for it? I want to be. I want to be rid of the pangs of disappointment I feel with myself as I consume. (the consumption tax) I don't want to be a "consumer". I wanna be real about this challenge and so I think I'll consider it a 6 month challenge. I take some relief in knowing I have a whopping $400 plus in gift certificates in my wallet.

As my ever supportive and enthusiastic husband and I discuss the rules of how this will play out I'm unwittingly trying to figure out if there is anything I need before I start. I may not feel up to the challenge but I definitely need it!

A lesson from Weatherwood

2008-12-11T19:41:00.000-08:00

Six months till moving day. Six long months.

Sometimes I indulge and let the excitement of our first home creep to the front of my thoughts and take over. I play with colours and furniture arrangements. I lay out my garden and think about landscaping. Other times I push the thoughts and excitement away thinking I'll surely be exhausted by it all by the time we step into it.

I'll obviously miss Weatherwood. The trees, space and privacy are charming. The memories here are long-standing, 22 years to be exact. I've grown up here and found what was short in my life previously, roots. Moving every two to three years as a kid was fine with me until I found what had been missing... home. Weatherwood was home. Course I didn't know it at the time. In all the years I've been here it's kinda been temporary. Oddly enough in the months to come I'll be nesting and improving things in order to show and sell it.

If I had it all to do over again I would nest from the start. My evanescence at Weatherwood is regrettable but will be a valuable lesson for the future.